I usually post fun things going on in our lives and pictures of our perfect son, but today my post is for me. Some people like to sugar coat their whole lives and pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but the truth is that sometimes it's not. It is an undescribable feeling to have basically no control over the one thing that you thought would come easily. And it says in my patriarchal blessing that I will have childREN. I always imagined my life would go in this order...... Grow up, get married, have 4 children two to three years apart, and just be a mom like I had always wanted. I never imagined I would be sitting here a year and a half after we started trying to have a baby with no positive pregnancy test and my hope dwindling. I don't quite know what direction to go in now. And I love Preston more than anything and appreciate having him even more since we have been in this situation, but anyone dealing with infertility will agree with me that the burning desire deep inside of you that tells you there are more spirits up there waiting to join you never quite goes away even when you have one or some already. It is hard to describe to a person who has never had to go through the trials of infertility. Their typical response is "well, you should be glad that you have the one you do!!", or "have you ever thought maybe you were only supposed to have one?" And I know they mean well but those phrases and others like them really don't make me feel better about the fact that my body is broken. I am sure that they don't know what to say to make me feel better because I wouldn't know what to say. It would probably be best to not say anything at all, or just tell me you don't know what to say and that you care about me and what I am going through. Tiptoeing around the subject makes me feel like no one cares. Another thing that is dragging me down is I WANT to be happy for other's pregnancies but it is so hard for me. I have constant feelings of why them and why not me? and feelings of resentment and jealousy. I don't understand what I could possibly learn from this torture. I don't want to feel this way. Any ideas? I am just so confused. It must just be one of those days. (Please don't be afraid to comment, I need to get some perspective.)
