Not a Good Day

I usually post fun things going on in our lives and pictures of our perfect son, but today my post is for me. Some people like to sugar coat their whole lives and pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but the truth is that sometimes it's not. It is an undescribable feeling to have basically no control over the one thing that you thought would come easily. And it says in my patriarchal blessing that I will have childREN. I always imagined my life would go in this order...... Grow up, get married, have 4 children two to three years apart, and just be a mom like I had always wanted. I never imagined I would be sitting here a year and a half after we started trying to have a baby with no positive pregnancy test and my hope dwindling. I don't quite know what direction to go in now. And I love Preston more than anything and appreciate having him even more since we have been in this situation, but anyone dealing with infertility will agree with me that the burning desire deep inside of you that tells you there are more spirits up there waiting to join you never quite goes away even when you have one or some already. It is hard to describe to a person who has never had to go through the trials of infertility. Their typical response is "well, you should be glad that you have the one you do!!", or "have you ever thought maybe you were only supposed to have one?" And I know they mean well but those phrases and others like them really don't make me feel better about the fact that my body is broken. I am sure that they don't know what to say to make me feel better because I wouldn't know what to say. It would probably be best to not say anything at all, or just tell me you don't know what to say and that you care about me and what I am going through. Tiptoeing around the subject makes me feel like no one cares. Another thing that is dragging me down is I WANT to be happy for other's pregnancies but it is so hard for me. I have constant feelings of why them and why not me? and feelings of resentment and jealousy. I don't understand what I could possibly learn from this torture. I don't want to feel this way. Any ideas? I am just so confused. It must just be one of those days. (Please don't be afraid to comment, I need to get some perspective.)

Phew... We've been busy. Ish.

This past month has flown by!! I don't know where the time goes, honestly, because we haven't been doing all that much.We had a few birthdays in the family in January but other than that, not a whole lot. We did get a gym membership (Yipee) and I have been taking lots of classes. Most of them kick my butt. Except for one. I have found a new love and its name is YOGA. Although my body definitely wasn't built for it, I love it all the same. I went to the doctor last month and we decided to try a new fertility medication because clomid was just making me grow cysts. So, I went to pick up my FIVE pills, and the total came to 96 FREAKING DOLLARS. Yes. I about died also. I tried to see if they were diamond crusted, but no luck. But I had NO side effects while taking them, so that was a plus. I guess we will see if they did their job in the near future. On another note, Preston is getting huge and I just want to squeeze him all day because he is so cute!! He is such a joy to me and I am so grateful that we have him. Sometimes I wish he would stop growing, though. It was Kacey's 25th birthday on the 7th of February and that was fun. We went to a hunting expo down in Salt Lake and then went to dinner. Kacey just so happened to find a twenty dollar bill in the parking lot while waiting for the rest of us to come out. Lucky Birthday Boy. And Valentine's Day was fun also. Except that I went and took two tests for college in a blizzard, but other than that, it was fun. Very low-key this year. All in all, a great start to the year. I will try to find some pictures to post for the three of you people who read this blog. :)

By the way, Hillary, if you read this, I totally spaced sending you my email so I could be invited to your blog. So invite me , Please. jbraegger(at)hotmail(dot)com Ta ta for now

New Years and Kirby turns 22!!!

New Year's Eve was very fun this year. First we got to go to a party at and old friend's house whom I haven't hung out with in years. THanks for inviting us, Jess!! There was other kiddos for Preston to play with and he also chased their poor dog the whole time. :) Then we went to the in-laws for junk food, junk food, and more junk food. Mmmmm. So good. Anyway it is also my bro-in-law Kirby's birthday that day, so we partied even harder. The boys did fireworks and shot their guns as well. IT was a great ending to a great year. I hope this one is even better.

Hardware Ranch and Hunting!!

One Sunday (I know, I am bad) we decided to go for a family drive up to hardware to see the elk. It was the last Sunday of the year and the wretched 1 'o clock church block. We had a really great time and when we got to where you could see the elk, Preston said "Where's my shotgun?" Lol. Yea. And the boys went hunting one day and happened to get lucky.

Christmas...

I know it has been over a month since I posted, but it is incredibly HARD to find the time to upload my pictures to my computer!! I haven't been in the mood! SO anyway, here are some pictures of our Christmas. We got way too many presents as usual and feel immensely blessed by our Father in Heaven.

Christmas