I usually post fun things going on in our lives and pictures of our perfect son, but today my post is for me. Some people like to sugar coat their whole lives and pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but the truth is that sometimes it's not. It is an undescribable feeling to have basically no control over the one thing that you thought would come easily. And it says in my patriarchal blessing that I will have childREN. I always imagined my life would go in this order...... Grow up, get married, have 4 children two to three years apart, and just be a mom like I had always wanted. I never imagined I would be sitting here a year and a half after we started trying to have a baby with no positive pregnancy test and my hope dwindling. I don't quite know what direction to go in now. And I love Preston more than anything and appreciate having him even more since we have been in this situation, but anyone dealing with infertility will agree with me that the burning desire deep inside of you that tells you there are more spirits up there waiting to join you never quite goes away even when you have one or some already. It is hard to describe to a person who has never had to go through the trials of infertility. Their typical response is "well, you should be glad that you have the one you do!!", or "have you ever thought maybe you were only supposed to have one?" And I know they mean well but those phrases and others like them really don't make me feel better about the fact that my body is broken. I am sure that they don't know what to say to make me feel better because I wouldn't know what to say. It would probably be best to not say anything at all, or just tell me you don't know what to say and that you care about me and what I am going through. Tiptoeing around the subject makes me feel like no one cares. Another thing that is dragging me down is I WANT to be happy for other's pregnancies but it is so hard for me. I have constant feelings of why them and why not me? and feelings of resentment and jealousy. I don't understand what I could possibly learn from this torture. I don't want to feel this way. Any ideas? I am just so confused. It must just be one of those days. (Please don't be afraid to comment, I need to get some perspective.)
The Opposite of Hate isn't Love
4 years ago
12 comments:
Hey there!
First things first, i am SOOO glad you found my blog! ive been trying to get your blog address from pam with no success!
Secondly cute blog! i love all the pics, you have such a cute family!
And thirdly sorry about your bad day. i cant quite say that i know what your going through because i dont exactly, but kinda. i just found out that i CANT have anymore kids. And like you it kills me because i KNOW there are more spirits waiting to be with us. and to have that denied really sucks! also like you i get the "advice" from others who have no clue what im going through. you know they mean well but it still doesnt help. i just try to ignore them. and if i cant ive learned its okay to cry!(when im alone of course!) it doesnt help the matter but sometimes you feel better! as for family, be blunt if you have to, and let them know how you feel. you'll feel better if you get it off your chest. I hope this helps! and if you ever need to talk im here for ya!
I love your posts and how you are so honest. Just reading your post made me sad for you. As you know Natalie had a hard time and I also had a hard time and am having a hard time getting pregnant. I was blessed with three wonderful boys but like you said, even though we should be 'lucky' that we have what we have, we feel that we should have more. The only thing I can really say is that for those who it comes easily never understand the heartache each month you start your period again. You would hope that they would try to put themselves in your shoes and be more considerate about the things they say or do, but for some that is hard. It helps talking to people that do understand. I don't know if you have had your hormone levels tested but there are natural vitamins out there that help boost progesterone levels. The great thing about them is that you aren't just taking progesterone you are taking vitamins and minerals to help jump start your own progesterone levels so your body can learn how to do it on its own. I don't know if that made much sense. But like Natalie said, try to not be so stressed (easier said then done!), get a massage to get things stimulated and moving, take a vacation, try acupunture, and things like that. If you would like the herbs that you can take let me know and I will get you the names. I don't know if this helped but I can say I know what you are going through and it isn't easy. Just stay strong and positive. The Lord knows our wishes and he knows are heartache and sorrow and he wont let us experience more than what we can handle.
***hugs***
I have no idea how you are feeling but I am SO SORRY! I cannnot even imagine what you are going through. I remember when I miscarried I felt like no one cared. I remember thinking why do all these people get to have babies and I loose mine.
I really don't know what to say. Just stay strong and keep trying. My sister tried for a yr and a half and finally got pregnant. My aunt has tried for YEARS and they told her she would never have a baby of her own. Guess What?! She is pregnant. There is hope sweetie. Even though it may not feel like it right now. You'll be in my prayers.
Oh Jamie, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time! I've only had friends who struggled with this and have no idea first hand how it feels. I can only imagine (which isn't good enough, right?). I can only believe that it would be the most frustrating feeling. But I AM SAD because you're sad. Just so you know though, I'm imagining myself at a family party in the future, admiring your adorable new baby. POSITIVE THOUGHTS!
Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. I just saw it. Thanks for always listening to me when I need it. I wish I knew how to take your pain away. I'm so glad that you wrote about your frustrations. It always helps to get it out so that you know that you have people who support you, even though you may not feel like it all of the time. I love you!!!!
It's true, it's hard for people to know what to say...especially when it's something as unpredictable and out of our control as pregnancy. The only thing we can have faith in is everything is in the Lord's time, unfortunately not always our own. When we think we have everything planned out just right, he sends a curve ball! It will happen for you. Just keep trying...that's the fun part!
I am so sorry! I don't have any experience with infertility like you do but I do know what it is like to wonder if you are meant to ever have kids (or more kids). Having those miscarriages was so hard. Seeing pregnant women use to make me so upset and I would always do the whole 'why not me' thing and it only made me more upset. I then did what one of your other friends said and just relaxed, I almost forgot about it and just totally left it up to God. If he chose me to be a parent then I would be. I had to put total faith in him and it was kinda hard, but I did it. My advice is to just relax and do what you do. Kinda lame I know but thats all I got :0) Good Luck!
Ok first off I need to say your patriartical blessing is not just for this life!!! It took me a long dang time to understand that because there are things I so question.
I too have a broken body and I will never know if there is more kids for me or not.
All I can say is stay strong and pray lots. Try not to get to down be possitive keep your head up the best is yet to come!!!
Good luck I will keep you in prayers!!!
Jamie, I am SO SAD to hear about your heartache! It almost made me cry trying to understand what you must be feeling. I wish that I had so great advice for you but I unfortunately don't...I just want you to know that I will be keeping you in my prayers! Love ya!
Hi! I went to high school with you, I'm Sarah Chambers, now Matthews. I love reading your blog. I'm not sure what to say, I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so honest in your post. Sometimes I feel so frustrated because everyone seems to have everything together. You have always been a sweetheart, and just a wonderful person to be around. I hope everything works out. Just know that I'll keep you in my prayers.
Hey
I went to high school with you as well and stumbled across your blog through Keely's.
I also suffer w/infertility and although I do have a daughter, and am so blessed and lucky to have her, its very frustrating knowing that I am supposed to have more children and having it be so difficult. I know almost exactly how you feel and although I don't have any advice b/c I get upset when I see pregnant women too I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone.
~Jessica (May) Anderson
If you'd like to be invited to my blog just send me an email jk.anderson1017@gmail.com
Jamie I'm not going to tell you that if you don't have another child that your meant to only have preston. That is how I cope with things that go wrong. That it was meant to be and god has another plan for it! All I know is that I am always going to be here for you to be your best friend, your shoulder to cry on. I pray for you to have another child and until you do I will! I love you and I will always be here for you! Life is hard but god gave us family to help us get by!
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